


The Perfect Present

by myfeelingsareintense



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Camping, Christmas, Drunk Confession, Drunkenness, Excessive Drinking, F/F, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Secret Santa, Slow Burn, also posted on Tumblr, i haven't written fic in so long, in which clay pines after tony for way too fucking long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfeelingsareintense/pseuds/myfeelingsareintense
Summary: Clay gets assigned as Tony's secret santa, and it may be the most stressful thing to ever happen. All he knows is that this present has to be perfect. With a helpful nudge from Alex and Justin, can Clay finally come to terms with his feelings and find the perfect gift?It's a lot harder than it sounds.





	The Perfect Present

Clay laid awake for three nights in a row, debating which was more daunting – choosing a gift for Tony or the secret santa party itself. When he picked Tony’s name out of the paper bag filled with names, he felt instantly relieved and anxious at the same time. Luckily, he had chosen the name of someone he knew well. Unfortunately, Tony was also someone who meant everything to him, and he wanted to make sure the gift was perfect. Tony had been there for him through so much, and he just knew this gift had to be perfect or he would feel like an absolute failure. On the third sleepless night, he decided that the stress of having to find Tony the perfect present was the scariest task.

And while he always enjoyed when Tony picked him up for school, the time spent with him nowadays reminded him so much of his current dilemma. Tony started to notice Clay’s stress, his drooping eyes and fiddling hands. He started making little comments or giving Clay looks, but he, thankfully hadn’t directly asked him yet what was going on. He wasn’t sure what he could even answer, considering, you know, that secret santa was supposed to be a secret. Fuck, this secret santa thing was stressful. You’d think since he spent so much time with Tony he could come up with some good gift ideas, but everything he thought of was stupid. He started to lose himself in his thoughts, his eyebrows furrowing with stress. 

“Hey, Clay.” Clay’s head jerked slightly, startled out of his thought process. Tony’s eyebrows furrowed, giving him that signature look of concern. Here it comes. “Clay, what’s up?”

Clay’s leg started to bounce, a tell tale sign of his anxiety. “What? Nothing. Sorry, I’m just...a bit tired, is all.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

Tony didn’t seem to believe him. Why would he? Clay wasn’t the best liar, and it seemed like Tony could always see right through him. “Clay, you know I’m always here for you. If something’s going on, you can tell me.” Tony slowed down as they came to a red light, and he turned his head to look at Clay, trying to gauge his face.

Clay fiddled with his sleeve. “I’ve just been having some trouble sleeping. It’s nothing bad.” He paused for a moment, adding, “I’m not sure why it’s happening.” Truth be told, he felt relieved to get some of it off his chest, even if he couldn’t tell Tony the whole truth. Opening up to Tony always helped; he trusted him wholeheartedly. Clay couldn’t imagine what his life would be like if he didn’t have him. This is was why he had to come up with the perfect gift.

Tony frowned as the light changed, and he shifted his eyes back to the road. He tapped the steering wheel with his fingers lightly, contemplating. “Is it...are you having nightmares again?” Clay immediately felt defensive. 

“What? No! No, nothing like that.” Clay waved his hands. The last thing he wanted was Tony worrying about him. “I don’t know...I just can’t sleep.” Clay shrugged. “It’s not a big deal,” he added.

Tony was silent for a while, seeming to be thinking it over. He reached out and laid a hand on Clay’s shoulder. “Well, if something’s bothering you, just let me know. I’m always here.” The word ‘always’ rang out in Clay’s head, echoing around and around the silent promise. He nodded, warmth spreading through his chest. “I know.” Clay fiddled through Tony’s mixtapes, yawning the whole way to school.

~~

“Why don’t you just get him some music or something? I mean, Tony likes music, right? So I’m sure he’d like that.” Justin obviously didn’t understand Clay’s worries. But when Clay came to talk to Alex about his dilemma, he was cuddling with Justin. Alex and Justin spent most of their time together these days. Clay couldn’t really blame them. Once you found that one person that you clicked with, you sort of fell into a routine. And then that routine becomes something more; it becomes a part of your everyday life, like gravity. You don’t always really think about it or acknowledge it, but you need it. You couldn’t walk on the ground without it. Clay knew that gravitational pull towards another person. It was like...your center. He could be in any room, in any crowd, in any situation, but he could always find Tony, and he knew that once he did, he’d be alright. Maybe Alex and Justin found that in each other too. They seemed like a good couple, from Clay’s observations, at least. Though he was closer with Alex than Justin.

Alex was, at least, a bit more sympathetic to his problems. Alex nudged Justin lightly, rolling his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. Clay is stressed out because he wants to get Tony the perfect gift. You know how Clay feels about Tony.”

Alex’s words jolted something inside Clay. “Wait, what? What do you mean?”

Alex and Justin exchanged a knowing look, like they knew something Clay didn’t. Unease crept through his body. “We just know that you care about him,” Alex amended. 

Justin chuckled, taking a sip of his water. “Yeah, a lot.”

Clay crossed his arms. “He’s my best friend,” he says, sounding a bit defensive, even to his own ears.

Justin snorted. “Right.” Alex glared at him, sighing and running a hand through Justin’s hair. The gesture looked effortless and comforting. A lonely feeling like longing and envy clutched at Clay’s heart. He wondered what that would be like, to have someone you could glare at and be affectionate with at the same time. Someone you could feel frustrated at and still feel an unconditional desire for. He thought of Tony and his perfectly styled hair. That was one thing he never understood about him. Tony’s hair always looked perfect. It looked perfect with all the product he wore in it, it looked perfect in the mornings when his bedhead was still wild and sticking up everywhere, it looked perfect when the wind blew through it, it looked perfect was he was fixing up his car and covered in dirt and grease, it looked perfect when no one was looking. Tony’s hair was like magic. Irresistible and tempting. On more than one occasion, he’d wondered how it would feel to run his fingers through it. 

“Clay,” Alex spoke with a sense of caution and apprehensiveness. “Have thought about...do you think that maybe...the reason you’re so stressed about this present isn’t...just because of the present?” 

His eyebrows furrowed together, noticing Justin beginning to play with Alex’s hair, twirling his fingers around the strands. “What do you mean?” Clay’s leg started to bounce, softly hitting the ground with the anxious rhythm of his heart.

“I mean…” Alex started to trail off, trying to work out how to say what he was trying to say without sounding too blunt. It was something he was working on – trying to be more subtle.

Justin, apparently, decided that a bit of bluntness is what Clay needed. “He means that you’re worked up about this because you’re in love with Tony.”

Clay sputtered, speechless. “Wha-what?” He looked around the room in disbelief. “I mean, really? What? No, that’s...that’s absurd.” He gripped the table in front of them. “I mean, that’s absurd.” The bell rang loudly, cutting off the beginnings of Clay’s panic.

His chest squeezed as Justin shrugged, grabbing Alex’s hand and throwing on his backpack. “Is it, though?” Alex smiled, shrugging too, patting Clay on the back lightly in reassurance as he and Justin walked away in the direction of their class. Clay’s chest heaved as he picked up his backpack in his hands. Breathe, he reminded himself. He wasn’t in love with Tony. The thought was absurd. 

~~

On that fourth sleepless night, Clay’s thoughts took a different turn. He couldn’t get Justin’s accusation out of his head. He did not love Tony. He did not. He did not. Even just the thought was ridiculous, so why couldn’t he forget about it? Maybe because he had been accused of being in love with his best friend, his favorite person in the world, someone he couldn’t imagine his life without, and he didn’t want anything to jeopardize that relationship. Seriously, okay, the thought was ridiculous. He had loved Hannah. He did. Even though he’d been moving on (with the help of Tony), it didn’t mean that he didn’t still think about her sometimes, even if her memory seemed to be farther and farther away.

Anyhow, he knew what love felt like. With Hannah, it was always awkward smiles and inside jokes. Fake movie theatre butter and looking up at the moon. It was warm. It was like having a friend you could count on. Of course, Tony was his friend. But...Tony was a different sort of friend. Tony was the kind of person you could tell everything to. The kind of person you could trust with your secrets. The kind of person who took the time to know you. Tony was like looking into a mirror and seeing all the best parts of yourself. He was the kind of friend you could call at 2 am with tears in your eyes, and even if he’d been sleeping, he’d come over, no questions asked. Tony was late night drives and the perfect collection of mixtapes. He never judged Clay for being too slow or unobservant sometimes, even if it could be frustrating. He’d always make Clay laugh, even if it was one of those days where life just felt heavy and grey. Tony was everything. Clay could find him in anything, even if he wasn’t around. He was in the change of clothes he left in Clay’s room. He was in the sounds of Joy Division playing through Clay’s speakers. He was in shiny mustangs parked in the street. He was everywhere. In everything. The gravity holding him and everything else to the Earth. 

Oh shit.

Maybe he did love Tony. He turned over to look at his bedside clock. The soft glowing red numbers read 2:57 am. He wondered if he was ever going to get a good night’s sleep. Turning back over, he sighed. Probably not.

~~

The next morning he slept through his alarm, his mom yelling from outside the door, and the sound of his phone ringing. When his mom came into his room to wake him up, she was not happy. “Clay! Clay. Get up! You’re late!” She gently shook him. “Clay!” 

He grumbled, exhaustion and grogginess pulling his every limb down with a heavy weight. He rubbed his eyes, groaning. “Clay, you were supposed to get up forty five minutes ago! Come on.” She opened his blinds, letting the sunlight wash into the room, effectively blinding Clay. He covered his eyes with his hands, moaning, resisting the urge to pull the covers over his face. He wasn't sure what time he actually fell asleep, but when he last checked his alarm clock, it was around 4 am. “Clay, come on. Tony is downstairs waiting. If you’re not down there in the next ten minutes, you’ll both be late for school.” Clay’s heart stopped at the mention of Tony. Suddenly, last night’s revelations flooded his mind, and he knew he couldn’t handle seeing Tony right now. He was exhausted, and he still didn’t know how to feel about...everything. In fact, he didn’t think he could handle school at all today. All that insomnia was catching up to him, and his body felt like lead. All he wanted to do that day was sleep.

He watched as his mom turned to leave the room. He rubbed his eyes again, trying to open them more. The light was still so bright. “Mom, can I stay home today?” His voice was cracking and thick with sleep. “My head hurts, and my body feels exhausted.” He groaned, holding his head. “Please.”

She paused, looking him over. “Do you think you have a fever?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure. I just feel sick.” He groaned again, covering his face.

She seemed to contemplate his words. “Well, you haven’t missed school in a while, so...I guess it’s okay. But if you need to reach me or Dad, you know our numbers, right?” Clay nodded. She felt his forehead. “Alright, well, feel better, okay? I'll call later to check on you.” He nodded his thanks, pulling the covers up. She closed the blinds again, kissing his forehead goodbye. Clay stared up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath of relief. It was a good call. He checked his phone, reading his texts and seeing the missed call from Tony. He felt a pang of guilt about making Tony wait only to fake sickness and avoid him, but it was for the best. He couldn’t handle being around Tony today. Not when he still hadn’t come up with the perfect gift idea, and especially not if what Justin had said was true. It would change...everything. Clay wasn’t ready for that. Tony was his stability, something to hold onto when the world shifted and spun and got crazy and inscrutable. He wasn’t about to mess with that. He couldn’t. What if Tony rejected him? What if he never wanted to talk to Clay after that?

Worries and ‘what if’s crept back into Clay’s mind, but this time his body’s physical exhaustion won over his reeling mind. And when he shut his eyes, he fell asleep into a long, much needed sleep.

~~

When Clay finally woke again, it was well into the afternoon. He groaned, still feeling groggy but less so than before. He vaguely remembered dreaming, but he couldn’t remember much of it, though he suspected his subconscious was still thinking of Tony, even in his sleep. He checked his phone, scrolling through his notifications. Tony’s frantic texts in the morning, as well as the one after Clay’s mom had informed him of Clay’s sudden sickness. Tony texted him to feel better. It was simple, but Clay felt a warmth in his heart all the same. He texted back a quick ‘thanks,’ adding a smiling emoji. He also had a text from Alex, inviting Clay to come with him and Justin to Monet’s. He liked spending time with them, but sometimes he felt like he was third wheeling. They were almost always cuddling or holding hands or doing something couple-y and affectionate. He didn’t think he could stand being around that today. He decided to tell Alex he’d come another time, explaining that he was sick and stayed home from school. 

Sighing, he pulled the covers off and decided to start the day. Well, sort of. He thought about making breakfast, but then he looked at all the food in his pantry and fridge and nothing was appealing. So he thought about taking a shower, but then he thought about all the effort that showering requires. So he settled on turning on the TV with a bowl of cereal in his hands. He grabbed a blanket and decided that this was good enough for now. He didn’t have the mental energy to deal with much else.

He was partway through an episode of sense8 when his mind drifted back to Tony. He thought about Nomi and Amanita’s relationship. They were best friends and in a romantic relationship at the same time. He wondered if they were friends first, or if they started dating and found something deeper later on. He wondered if he and Tony could be like that. Inseparable. He couldn’t imagine Nomi and Amanita’s characters without each other. They saved each other time and time again. Tony had saved him too, in a way. Maybe not in the same ways, but Tony had helped him grieve Hannah’s death, helped him move on, helped ease his guilt. 

He thought about Tony’s hands, the way they seemed to hold the world together. The way they tapped along to the rhythm of a song. The way they gripped the steering wheel of his car. The way his fingers stretched and the lines of his palm all came together. The way he squeezed Clay’s shoulder in comfort, the touch lingering across Clay’s shoulder blades. The way his hands held him in a hug, gripping him, centering him, pulling his thoughts back down to Earth. His hands were calloused and yet somehow soft, breathing life into everything and everyone he touched. 

Fuck. Clay was staring at his own hands when the realization dawned on him. He was in love with Tony. Oh God. 

This Christmas gift really had to be perfect now.

~~

When Clay found Alex and Justin during their usual spot in free period the next day, the first thing he did was admit the truth. “You were right.”

Justin raised his eyebrow. “About?”

He sighed, slouching. “Are you really gonna make me say it?” 

Justin smirked knowingly and Alex smiled as he peered up from his place on Justin’s chest. “You finally realized how much you love each other.”

Clay’s eyebrows furrowed. “What? No. Tony...he...he doesn’t think of me like that.”

Justin made a sound of disbelief. Alex sighed, shifting to grab Clay’s shoulders. “Clay, seriously. Tony loves you. The way he looks at you. It’s pretty clear.” 

Justin snorted at Clay’s obvious doubt. “Honestly, watching you two admire each other from afar, it’s kind of pathetic. It’s kind of a miracle you haven’t worked it out yet.”

Clay opened his mouth to say something, but he really wasn’t sure what to say. He fumbled for a response, blindly gaping in the dark as his mind reeled with possibilities. He couldn’t let himself hope for something that would never happen, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Justin and Alex were right. And if they were, what should he do? What would come of it? Would Tony want to kiss him? What if he was actually terrible at kissing? And then what if Tony was grossed out by him? What if he ruined their relationship? What if they got into a relationship only to have it all fall apart? Oh fuck, what if-

“Wow, Clay, I can actually see your internal crisis,” Alex commented sarcastically. He chuckled, Justin laughing with him. Clay, however, was not laughing. He was freaking out. He managed to avoid Tony this morning by getting a ride from his mom, but he knew he couldn’t avoid Tony forever and soon he’d have to face his feelings. And fuck, what if Tony actually did love him? What then? What should he do? 

“Clay, seriously, calm down.” Clay struggled to suck in deep breaths, his leg bouncing miles per minute, and his fingers tapping just as fast on the table. His eyes were moving all over the place, unable to stay focused on one thing. “Clay, honestly, it’s okay, you know.” His chest felt tight. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. “Clay. Deep breaths.” He felt Alex squeeze his shoulder. It didn’t bring the same comfort as the way Tony’s grasp normally would, but it was enough to ground him. Clay inhaled deeply, trying to hold it for a few seconds before exhaling. He recalled his breathing exercises, working himself down from his anxiety attack.

Once he came down enough to breathe normally, he could see Justin and Alex’s worried expressions directed at him. “You good, man?” Justin asked. 

Clay nodded shakily. “Sorry, it’s just...I don’t know what to do.” His leg was still bouncing, but his anxiety felt more manageable now. The stress that had been building up inside him for several days now had finally spilled over. He felt embarrassed that he’d freaked out in front of Justin and Alex, but a part of him was relieved too.

Alex nodded, understanding. “Just talk to him, Clay. I know that it’s...you know, scary, but it’s Tony, you know? You trust him.”

Justin nodded, wrapping his arm around Alex’s waist. “Trust me, he feels the same way about you dude. And you never know what could come from it.” He kissed Alex on the cheek, causing Alex’s cheeks to pink. “Be brave.”

Clay nodded, his fingers jittery and pulsing with energy. “Yeah,” he agreed shakily. “Be brave.”

~~

Clay managed to avoid Tony at lunch by texting him that he had to go to the library to study for a test in his next period. He almost managed to avoid him at the end of the day, when Tony would normally drive Clay home. He was halfway out of the parking lot when Tony caught up to him. “Hey, Clay!” He called from inside the car. “Are you getting in or what?”

Clay glanced at the ground, hesitating before nodding and getting in the passenger seat. He couldn’t avoid Tony forever, but he hoped he would’ve had more time to figure out just what to do. Tony let him get adjusted for a moment, Clay clicking his seatbelt and fiddling with his backpack as Tony drove out of the parking lot. The air felt awkward, as if they were both holding back things they wanted to say. Clay cleared his throat. “Do you mind if I, um, put on the radio?” Tony nodded, adjusting the volume so that it was low enough that they could still talk but loud enough that it took up the empty space between their thoughts.

A few minutes into the drive, Tony turned down the volume a little bit more. “Are you feeling better?”

“What?” Clay was pulled out of his worrying thoughts; it took him a moment to realize what Tony was referring to. “Oh yeah. I’m not sick anymore.”

Tony nodded. “That’s good.” Clay nodded. A few stiff, empty moments passed, and the awkwardness was back. Clay tried to avoid it by staring directly at his lap. He hadn’t looked at Tony since getting in the car. Looking at Tony made him feel vulnerable. He was afraid he’d stare too long or linger too much, and Tony would suddenly know Clay’s feelings. He was afraid Tony would find out how much he was in love with him, and then he’d be rejected. He couldn’t handle that. Not today. Probably not ever. It was best that Clay keep his secret to himself, at least for now, he decided. 

The rest of the ride was quiet, the only sound in the car coming from the radio. Tony pulled into Clay’s driveway, putting the car in park. Clay grabbed his backpack, about to say goodbye when Tony stopped him. Clay’s heart froze as he felt Tony’s hand gently grab his wrist. He didn’t breathe. He didn’t dare move. His whole body was hyperaware of the fact that Tony’s hand was wrapped around his wrist. Tony’s hand. Clay gazed down at the sight. “Clay, are you avoiding me?” Clay let out the breath he’d been holding, looking back at Tony’s face. “I-” His eyes flickered back down to his wrist, then back up at Tony’s face. Tony’s hold was gentle, and his expression was soft but concerned. “I’m not,” Clay lied. Clay had never been the best liar, and Tony had the amazing ability to read him like a book. Therefore, it was obvious that Tony knew he was lying. Clay amended his statement. “I’m...I’m just a bit stressed out right now. It’s not you! It’s just, uh...it’s just...well, fuck, fine, it’s this stupid secret santa thing. I want to get a good gift for my person. I don’t know what to get. And I don’t know, I mean, it’s stupid. I- yeah. I’m, yeah.” His cheeks flushed. He always rambled when he was nervous.

Tony’s eyes searched his face for a moment. “Clay, I’m sure whatever you get your person, they’ll appreciate it.” 

Clay smiled sheepishly, his heart warming at the words. “I know.” Tony couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Just know that I’m here for you.” His hold on Clay’s wrist loosened, instead moving up to squeeze Clay’s shoulder in reassurance. Clay’s heart flip flopped at the show of affection. It was so small, but God, it meant so much. It was Tony’s way of showing Clay that he cared, and he couldn’t help the smile that beamed across his face.

“I know.” The unspoken ‘I love you’ tingled behind his lips. He grabbed his backpack and opened the car door. “Bye, Tony.”

Tony nodded, giving a wave. “Bye, Clay.” Clay walked towards his front door, and Tony drove away, but Clay couldn’t help but feel as though Tony’s touch was still lingering on his skin. He walked into his house, and everything appeared as it was when he had left that morning for school, but everything looked different now. Something drastic had changed. The Earth’s gravity had shifted, and the tides were changing into something brand new. It was terrifying, but something inside him was waking up. Once again, Tony’s touch was breathing life into him. Clay was alive. Rebirth was pouring through the window of his room, and suddenly, he knew the perfect secret santa gift. 

~~

The secret santa party was held at Jessica’s house. There were Christmas themed decorations everywhere – lights strung from the ceiling, not one but three different Christmas trees (to be fair, two of them were small), garland wrapped around the railing to the staircase. There was even like life size Frosty the Snowman by the front door. Clay was one of the first to arrive, but Sherri and Jessica were there, along with Monty. Sherri thrust a cup of punch in his hands and he smiled gratefully. He normally didn’t love drinking, but tonight he was thankful for the something to take the edge off. He didn’t want to overdo it though, especially so early in the party, so he filled a cup with water as well. The room was cozy and Sherri and Jessica were laying in front of the fire. Sherri was giggling and laid her head on Jessica’s lap, the warmth of the fire lighting up her features. Jessica kissed her cheek. He thought back to the kiss he and Sherri shared. Maybe in a different life they could have been a thing, but it didn’t matter now. She and Jess looked happy with each other, and besides, the only person he really wanted to kiss was Tony. 

He sat down on the couch across from Monty. The doorbell rang, and Jess launched into friendly, welcoming host mode, opening the door to Alex and Justin. Clay could their voices from the couch, though he didn’t turn to look. He checked the time on his phone. Tony would be here soon. Anxiety pulsed through him, and he began to bounce his leg. He took another sip of the punch, unsure what to do with himself and his jitters. 

Alex sat down on the couch next to him, greeting him softly. Clay was pulled from his anxious thoughts, and he flicked his eyes towards Alex, though he stayed hunched over, his fingers pulling at the fabric of his khakis around his knees. “Nervous?” Alex asked, quirking an eyebrow. Clay just nodded. Justin came over with drinks in his hands, giving one to Alex. He plopped on the couch, wrapping an arm around Alex’s waist. Clay felt that similar envy and longing grip his throat, tighter than usual. He wondered if Tony ever thought about wrapping his arm around Clay’s waist. It looked so effortless, yet so comforting. 

Shaking his head slightly, Clay took a gulp of the punch. Tony would be here soon. He had to get a grip on himself. Stop shaking so much.

Guests arrived, but none of them stood out as relevant in Clay’s mind. Why had he agreed to this secret santa thing in the first place? He couldn’t remember. Truth be told, he was already on his second cup of punch, and he was starting to feel a bit tipsy. His chest felt warm, and he didn’t feel so nervous anymore. He’d never admit it, but he was a bit of lightweight. It didn’t take much alcohol for him to feel the effects of it. He leaned against the back of the couch, absentmindedly listening to some of the conversations around him. Jess mentioned something about playing a game later. He was half listening to the rules when the doorbell rang, revealing the guest he’d been waiting for. He half wondered if he should get up and greet Tony, but Tony quickly spotted him and walked over. “Hey Clay,” he greeted warmly. He smiled back, leaning forward slightly. “How’s the punch?” Tony asked, gesturing to the red cup clutched in his hands.

He hiccuped. “‘S good.” He nodded, taking another sip. Tony smirked, as if he knew something Clay didn’t. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go get myself something to drink. I’ll be back.”

He gasped, clutching at Tony’s wrist as he turned. “Wait! I’ll come with you!” His voice was a little too loud, and he blushed, the warmth spreading through his cheeks. He let go of Tony’s wrist, feeling suddenly embarrassed. Tony just smiled and shook his head. “Okay, come on then.”

He wasn’t drunk enough to have trouble walking, but he had to concentrate as he got up from his spot on the couch. Moving took just a little more effort. He didn’t let go of his cup though. He wasn’t that drunk, not yet. He took another sip as Tony grabbed his own red cup and filled it up with lemonade. He furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you not drinking?” 

Tony shrugged, sipping his lemonade. “Not in the mood tonight.” Clay suddenly felt self conscious. What if he got too drunk and Tony had to take care of him? He wouldn’t let that happen. When they went back into the living room, he found his water cup and chugged down several gulps before picking up his punch again. Hopefully that would help. The last thing he wanted was to make an idiot out of himself in front of Tony tonight.

He eyed his present that he set in front of the tree earlier. There were lots of other gifts surrounding it. Some were wrapped beautifully, some were in gift bags, and some were cards in envelopes (easily identifiable as gift cards). He was proud that his gift was well thought out. At least he didn’t get Tony a gift card. He snorted out loud, taking another sip of punch, followed by a sip of water. The party seemed a bit hazy, a bit harder to compute in his brain, and he could feel the drunkenness wash over him. His brain cheered for more alcohol, but he saw the way Tony was watching him. He decided to finish his water before drinking more punch. Take things slow.

But then Jess announced they were playing a drinking game. And Clay was absolutely terrible at it. After a few rounds of it, Tony seemed concerned and asked if he wanted to stop playing. Clay felt attacked. He was determined to do better. Look better for Tony. He had to win at least one round; he looked like an idiot like this. No, he had to impress Tony. Tony and his pretty, pretty eyes. So he muttered back a rather angry sounding no. He heard some of the jocks chanting, “Jensen! Jensen! Jensen!” as he downed two shots. He smiled big. It felt great when they were chanting his name. The world felt light and fuzzy and warm. The alcohol didn’t even taste bad anymore. He was numb to it. He laughed for no reason at all. The world was just funny. He laughed and laughed until he fell forward. Tony grabbed him to break his fall, pulling him back up. Tony’s eyes were furrowed and worried, but it just made Clay want to laugh more. He was fine. Tony was just being funny. “You’re funny, funny, funny, funny, Tony. Funny Tony.” He laughed harder. 

Tony wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Me and Clay are gonna go for a walk,” he announced over his shoulder, guiding his body away from the game and out of the room. 

His lips pouted. “Noooooo,” he whined, stumbling. The world was spinning, spinning, spinning. He felt like he’d been walking forever by the time Tony made it to the front door. “It’s so cooooooollllldddd,” Clay whined, as he felt the wind hit him in the face.

“Okay, well, we’re just going to stand out here for a minute, okay? While they play the game.” Tony still had his arm around Clay as they stood outside. He shivered, fiddling with his fingers. He stared down at his hands, perplexed. The world felt distant and strange. It was cold, but it wasn’t. His chest was warm and his brain felt removed from everything. He touched his lips. Earlier they were tingly, but now they felt completely numb. 

He laughed. He didn’t know what was funny exactly. Everything, really. “T-Tony...I gotta, I gotta tell…” He laughed again. Talking was hard. “I gotta tell you something.” He swayed, holding up a finger.

Tony gripped him so he didn’t fall. “Okay.” Clay swayed, stumbling into Tony’s chest, and they fell into a sort of awkward hug. His face was pressed into Tony’s shoulder, mumbling, gripping Tony’s jacket in his fists. 

“I…” He paused, inhaling deeply. Tony smelled so good. So good. He wanted nothing more but to bask in the smell of Tony forever. His thoughts didn’t seem to stay in his brain anymore, instead choosing to fall out of his mouth with abandon. He mumbled all this into Tony’s shoulder. That was when he started to feel sick. The nausea came over extremely quickly. He groaned, clutching his stomach. “Oh god. Oh god. I feel so sick. Soooooo sick. Stomach hurts. So bad.” 

That seemed to get Tony’s attention. “Okay buddy. We’re just gonna go inside and get you to a toilet, okay? Come on.” He opened the door back into the house, maneuvering Clay through the hallway, which was no easy task. His stomach hurt so bad, and he kept stumbling and definitely would’ve fallen over a million times had Tony not been there to hold him up. He groaned and groaned until Tony finally opened the door to the bathroom. He collapsed on the floor, heaving himself over the toilet and finally threw up. 

Tony watched from the door frame, sighing softly and looking worried. Clay immediately felt bad. He didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t. He wanted to give Tony his present and for it to be perfect because Tony was perfect and oh no, he didn’t deserve him. A mountain of sadness fell onto his shoulders as he wiped the vomit from his chin with his sleeve. He was mortified. He was never drinking again. He fell backwards, hitting the tub, and Tony reached out, looking concerned. He always looked so concerned. All his fault. Fuck. Tears filled his eyes, and he started rocking back and forth, curling into a ball. “I’m so sorry...so sorry...so sorry, Tony.”

He felt Tony crouch next to him and lay a hand on his shoulders, squeezing gently. “Hey, hey it’s okay. You had too much to drink. It happens to the best of us.” 

There was a gentle knocking on the door. Jess opened it with a small smile. Clay looked away. He felt grossed out and repulsed by himself. He wanted to disappear. Tony and Jess exchanged a small conversation, but he tried to drown it out by softly singing “Jingle Bell Rock.” But he couldn’t remember all the lyrics for some reason, so he just sang some of the lyrics as nonsense syllables, moving his fingers around in the air to the rhythm in his head. He knew the conversation was about him, though. “Jess is bringing us some water. Hopefully that’ll help you sober up.”

His chest constricted. He was just being a burden on Tony. Tony didn’t deserve this. Fuck. “I’m sor-sorry, Tony. Shouldn’t’ve...I shouldn’t’ve drank...drank so much. ‘S bad, Tony. Don’t feel good.” He felt another squeeze on his shoulder. Once Jess came back with the water, Tony helped him sip some. His hands were trembling too much to hold it by himself and his perception was too altered to properly hold the cup to his lips, so Tony wrapped his hand around Clay’s and helped him sip it slowly. He stared at Tony’s hands wrapped around his own. They were so nice. So strong. Tony was so strong. He told Tony as much, the words slipping out of his mouth without thinking. He looked up at Tony, who looked surprised but still smiled. What a beautiful smile. He wished he could see Tony always smile, for the rest of his life. It made his insides all warm and happy. So happy. He laughed. 

They sat like that for a while – Tony helping him drink water and Clay softly laughing at nothing. Then he remembered his present. “Tony!” He gasped. “I forgot! I can’t believe...I can’t believe, can’t believe I forgot! You-you’re my secret...secret santa. Your present. Need to-need to give it. Need to give it to you.” He turned to grab Tony’s shoulders urgently. He’d been stressing about this for weeks. There was no way in hell he wasn’t giving Tony his present. He had to. 

Tony smiled, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “Okay, well, why don’t you give it to me tomorrow, okay? I’m sure I’ll love it.” 

He shook his head rapidly, his heart pounding. This was so important. “No, no, no because I need-I need to give it to you now. It’s gotta be...it’s gotta be perfect, Tony. Perfect present, perfect Tony. ‘S why I couldn’t, couldn’t sleep. ‘Cause I love, love, love Tony and this present got to be...got to be perfect.” His words were frantic and slurring. He blinked rapidly. He had to make Tony understand.

Tony looked thoroughly startled, even through Clay’s drunk eyes. “Wait what...what did you say?”

“I said, I gotta give you the-the present. ‘Cause I just...it just gotta be, gotta be perfect, Tony. Because...because you make me so, so happy. So happy. I don’t know if I ever told you. So happy, Tony. I don’t know. I don’t know. But maybe if the present was perfect, like you. Perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Maybe...I don’t know. I don’t know. I love, love, love, love, love you. I know that. I love Tony. ‘S why I can’t sleep. Can’t sleep at night ‘cause I’m so, so worried. But it’s like...like Han Solo and Princess Leia, you know? You know?” He felt like he was talking really fast, but also, talking was really hard. It was hard to form solid thoughts, and it felt like the words were kinda stuck on his tongue, sloshing around. His whole body sort of felt like mush. His head fell forward suddenly, and he gasped. He was so dizzy. So fucking dizzy.

Tony shut his eyes as he sighed again. “Clay, you’re drunk.”

He sputtered in protest. “No I’m not!” He exclaimed. Tony looked at him incredulously. “Okay, okay, maybe I am...maybe I am drunk.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “You’re drunk.”

He nodded, feeling that self conscious feeling rise up inside his chest again. He ducked his head. “Okay, but still, what I’m saying...it’s...it’s true, okay? Don’t make fun of me.”

Tony sighed again, turning away from Clay slightly. “I’m not making fun of you, Clay. I’m just...I just don’t want you to regret saying all this tomorrow.” Tony chuckled, but it didn’t have the same amusement as it did earlier. Clay blinked, vague worry poking around in his brain. “Then again, you might not even remember.” Clay didn’t know how to respond to that. It was hard to process everything Tony was saying. Though it seemed like Tony wasn’t happy. He definitely wasn’t smiling. He wanted him so badly to smile right now. Tony sighed, turning back towards him and grabbing the water cup again, which had somehow ended up on the floor. Had Tony taken it out of his hand? When had that happened?

“Here, have another sip of water.” Tony held the cup to his lips, and Clay grabbed onto it, taking a swallow before pushing it away gently. Tony nodded to himself, sighing again. Why was he sighing so much? Was he upset? Was it because of Clay? He couldn’t help thinking that it was. Maybe Tony didn’t love him. He was being rejected. Tears pricked at his eyes again. He couldn’t lose Tony. He couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sorry; I’m sorry. So sorry,” he babbled, feeling useless. 

“It’s okay.” Tony smiled, but it wasn’t his usual pretty smile. It was forced. Fake. “Come on, let’s get you home, okay?” He stood up, holding out a hand and helping Clay stand. He shut his eyes. The world was still spinning too much. He started stumbling, and Tony wrapped his arm around his shoulders again, supporting his weight. He started mumbling a mantra of “thank you” which turned into “I’m sorry” which turned into Tony telling him “it’s okay” enough times that Clay felt it was maybe better not to talk. 

Jess helped carry their gifts to the car since they’d missed the gift exchange. She was, Clay realized, totally sober. He vaguely remembered her mentioning to him that she was going to stop drinking. She was in therapy, and she sort of realized that she never wanted to drink again, after what happened to her. He was happy for her. He tried to express this to her. “Jess...Jess, I’m-” He hiccuped. “I’m happy for you, you know? Happy, happy. Happy you’re happy. You’re happy, right? Happy, happy.” 

She laughed, smiling good naturedly and nodded. She told Clay to feel better, smiling sympathetically as Tony helped him into his car, putting Clay’s bike in the back. He smiled, thanking her genuinely. His limbs felt heavy. Tony started the car, asking, “Should I take you back to your house or mine?”

His eyelids fluttered, yawning loudly. He closed his eyes, feeling comforted by Tony’s presence in Tony’s car with Tony’s radio softly playing. It was incredibly familiar and warm. He smiled, yawning again, already falling half asleep as he mumbled, “You, Tony. Always you.” 

~~

The next morning he woke up in a bed that was not his own. He cracked open his eyes, groaning as the light blinded him. His head hurt, and his throat felt thick, like he hadn’t drank water in five days. He groaned, covering his eyes with his hands. What happened last night?

“Morning Sleeping Beauty.” He’d recognize that voice anywhere. He moved his hands and cracked open his eyes, blinking.

“Tony?” His voice sounded rough and thick with sleep. He cleared his throat. His head was pounding. He screwed his eyes shut again, moaning. “What-what happened last night?”

“You got fucking wasted, that’s what.” He heard some shuffling around, still refusing to open his eyes yet. The light shining through the window was blinding. “Here, sit up and drink this. I have some aspirin too, if you want to take it after we get you something to eat. My mom made scrambled eggs this morning.”

He sighed, cracking open his eyes and blinking rapidly, trying to get a bearing on his surroundings. He was in Tony’s room, that much he could figure. But how did he get here? He tried to remember as he eagerly drank the water Tony was offering, gulping it down quickly. It felt like he hadn’t drank anything in years. Downing the glass of water was instant relief, though he felt his body craving more.

Tony watched him skeptically, a bit amused. “Hungover much?”

Clay just gulped the last of the water, rolling his eyes. “Oh fuck you.”

Tony chuckled. “In your dreams, Jensen.”

Clay blushed, his head filling with some unsought-for images of just that. Yeah, in his dreams. He groaned as wave of nausea hit him. “I feel so gross.”

Tony nodded. “Makes sense, judging by last night. Do you even remember most of it?” He plopped on the bed next to Clay, his back touching Clay’s legs through the covers.

He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember. He remembered going to Jess’s party and waiting for Tony. He remembered being nervous and drinking the punch. He remembered playing a drinking game at the party and losing multiple times, downing several shots. After that, everything felt spotty and fuzzy. “Not really,” he admitted, shrugging. “I’m trying to remember, but it’s hard to.” Tony nodded, considering Clay’s words. He tried to remember more, focusing. He knew that Tony took care of him, drove him back to his house by the looks of it. He remembered Tony helping him walk. He was simultaneously embarrassed and touched by the memory, fuzzy and hazy as it was. He tried to remember more, concentrating, but nothing was coming to him at the moment. “Can you tell me? What happened?”

Tony nodded, laying a hand on his knee over the covers. “Sure,” he agreed, getting up. “But first, we eat.”

Clay groaned, rolling his eyes. “Why do we always have to do this?”

“Because it’s effective. Now come on man.” He held out his hand. “Besides, everyone knows food helps with hangovers.”

Clay couldn’t argue with that. He clasped Tony’s hand, pulling himself up. The force of Tony’s hand was just a bit too strong though, and he stumbled forward, almost hitting Tony’s chest. It was reminiscent of last night, and he vaguely remembered quite literally collapsing into Tony’s arms the night before, awkwardly hugging in the cold. Jesus. He definitely made a complete fool out of himself the night before. He was almost surprised Tony stuck around, taking care of him even the morning after. His heart warmed at Tony’s amused smile, grateful for the beautiful boy in front of him. His stomach flip flopped as Tony wrapped his arm around his shoulders. He could blame the hangover for the butterflies in his stomach, but he knew it had more to do with the way Tony smelled really, really good. “I hope you didn’t totally lose the ability to walk. I’m not sure how long I can go through life supporting your weight like that.”

He scoffed. “You calling me fat, Tony?”

Tony laughed, the sound echoing around and around Clay’s aching head. Warmth spread through his veins, heating up his skin. “No, but you’re surprisingly heavy. Makes me think you’re magically storing – as mi Abuela would say – some extra meat on those bones.” 

He laughed, elbowing Tony gently in the side. “Asshole.”

Despite feeling incredibly hungover and sick from the night before, the morning after that night wasn’t quite so bad. 

~~

It didn’t last. Clay had exactly four missed calls from his mom. Apparently, she’d resorted to calling Tony, who had made excuses for him. Still, he knew that when he came that day it wouldn’t be fun. 

Also, Tony didn’t really give him too many details from the night before, and when Clay kept bringing it up, he seemed to start to shut down a bit. It made him feel like there was something Tony wasn’t saying. What did he do or say to make Tony do that? Was he trying to spare Clay’s feelings? He couldn’t remember whatever it was that Tony was hiding from him, but he had a bad feeling about it, especially since more and more was starting to come back to him. He had been such an idiot. He never wanted to experience anything like that again. 

Besides that though, Tony seemed a bit amused by the whole thing, and he didn’t blame Clay for what happened. He did say that Clay should watch how much alcohol he consumes next time though. Clay’d reassured him that he never wanted to experience that again, and Tony nodded, and that was that. 

After breakfast, Tony left him to take a shower and call his mom. She was not happy after Clay ‘forgetting’ to let her know about planning to stay over Tony’s house after the party, but he managed to talk her down a bit. However, he knew that their conversation over the phone wouldn’t be the end of it, and if his clothes smelled like alcohol when he went home, he’d be in deep shit. Tony, the amazing human being he was, let Clay borrow some clothes. He found himself, again, thanking whatever higher power existed that he had Tony in his life. He had no idea what he’d do without him.

Clay was just gathering his things and getting ready to go home when Tony gave him a heart attack. “By the way, I have your present from the secret santa thing if you want to open it. It’s in the trunk.” It felt like his heart had stopped and then been jolted back to life, pounding faster than normal to make up for the close call with death.

He gulped, trying to act nonchalant. He dug his hands in his pocket, nodding and avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, sure. Sounds good.” Tony nodded, grabbing his keys from the basket on the counter and beckoning Clay to follow him. He took a deep breath. Did this mean Tony left his present back there too? What was he going to think of it? What if he hated it? What if he put all this thought and effort into something that turned out to be stupid? He could not blow this, especially since he wanted the moment to be special. Especially since he wanted to admit his feelings to Tony soon. Especially since he’d been an idiot the night before. 

Sure enough, Tony’s present was resting beside Clay’s in the trunk. “You didn’t open yours yet either,” Clay commented, licking his lips. 

Tony nodded. “Guess I forgot to in all the excitement,” he teased. He flashed one of his dazzling teasing smiles. Clay could feel his heart melting, his insides turning to jelly. He grabbed his present, holding it in his hands. It was (poorly) wrapped in green wrapping paper with red and white candy canes patterned all around. Taped to it was a note that read: ‘To Clay. Some people don’t stress the fuck out over their Christmas gifts and just go with their first instinct. Merry Christmas, Justin.’ He blushed slightly, trying to hide his reaction from Tony. He gave into the anticipation and ripped it open, revealing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. He chuckled. He felt Tony peering over his shoulder. “Why’d he get you Harry Potter?” 

“A couple weeks ago Alex and Justin were talking about their Hogwarts Houses, and I mentioned that I never read Harry Potter. They were pretty astounded, since I like reading, and I like sci fi and fantasy stuff. I guess Justin took it upon himself to make sure I give it a shot.” He smiled to himself, fingering through the dedication and table of contents. 

Tony scoffed. “Oh my God, Clay. I can’t believe you never read Harry Potter.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, you’ve never seen Star Wars, so don’t give me that shit.”

Tony paused. “Fine, I’ll make you a deal. For every Harry Potter book you read, I’ll watch one Star Wars movie, deal?”

He grinned, shaking Tony’s hand. “Deal.” He ran his fingers over the spine. He always did like a good book. Plus, this deal with Tony would just give him all the more incentive to read it. Tony reached into the trunk to open his gift as well. His heart thumped apprehensively as Tony ran his fingers across the golden paper. The wrapping job wasn’t so bad, at least. His mom had helped him wrap it. He’d tried originally to do it himself, but he failed miserably and gave up, asking her for help. He’d been getting better at asking her for help with things. 

“No note,” Tony commented.

He scratched the back of his head. “Ah, yeah. That’s because, um, I’m your secret santa.” 

Tony hummed in acknowledgement, but he didn’t look surprised. “Oh.” He smiled. “Then it should be something good.”

Clay nodded, avoiding eye contact. “Hopefully,” he mumbled. 

Tony ripped off the paper, revealing the cardboard box the present was hidden in. He’d held the cardboard box together with scotch tape, so it would be easy to open. He rocked back on his heels as Tony opened up the box. He watched Tony’s face carefully, sticking his hands in pockets, trying to act casual, though his anxiety was pretty obvious. “It’s a tent. The guy at the store said it was a good one for two people, and you’ve brought up how you miss camping, and I’ve never been so...I mean, I don’t know. Nature isn’t really my thing, but I know you enjoy it, and of course, you don’t have to bring me. Camping, I mean. But it’s good tent. Maybe you’ll get some use out of it. You could bring your brothers maybe, or...something, I don’t know. It was just a thought. But I hope you like it.”

Tony’s face was lit up in a smile, marveling at the box in his hands. Wordlessly, he set it down on the ground. For a moment, Clay was worried he’d messed up and his gift was stupid, but his worries were thrown to the wind when Tony wrapped him in a fierce hug. He stumbled slightly, his balance thrown off balance for a moment with the force of it. His heart stopped; his brain stopped computing. Tony’s hand crept up his back and into his hair, and he melted, wrapping his arms around Tony just as tight. He wanted nothing more than to live forever in that moment. He felt so whole in Tony’s arms. He wasn’t worried or anxious or scared. He felt warm and loved and safe. He inhaled deeply, breathing in Tony’s scent. He couldn’t really describe how Tony smelled, only that he felt deeply attracted to it. Like a moth to a flame, he was fascinated by it, pulled to everything that was, well, a part of Tony. 

He wasn’t so sure how long that hug lasted, but it felt like a long time. Like maybe a part of him would always be wrapped in that hug, safe in Tony’s arms. Maybe that was cliché or weird. Maybe it was weird that he didn’t stop thinking about that hug for the rest of the day. Or the next three days. He decided he didn’t care. He loved Tony, and he wasn’t afraid of that anymore. 

~~

The Monday after that weekend Clay went to go hang out with Alex and Justin in their normal spot during their free period. “Hey Clay, glad to see you survived that hangover.”

He rolled his eyes as he sat down. “Hello to you too, Alex.”

Alex and Justin both chuckled. Justin wrapped an arm around Alex the way he always did. It looked so natural. He bit his lip, ignoring the usual feelings of longing and envy that washed over him. “Well I’m sure Tony took good care of you,” Justin waggled his eyebrows, teasing.

He blushed, opening his mouth to retort when he was cut off by Alex. “Hey, did you end up giving him his present?”

Justin snorted. “Yeah, can you sleep at night now?”

He crossed his arms, feeling slightly defensive. “As a matter of fact, I have. And yes, I can.”

Alex looked at him expectantly, gesturing with his hands to go on. “So? What happened?” 

He smiled at the memory, remembering Tony’s long hug and the comforting feeling of his arms. He longed to feel that again. To feel nothing but Tony and his embrace, his heart filling up with love and affection. God, he needed that again. “He liked it. We’re going camping together when the weather gets a bit warmer.”

Alex and Justin both smiled. “Good,” Alex beamed, approving.

“Sounds like a romantic getaway to me.” Justin smirked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Alex elbowed his chest softly. “Hey, don’t make Clay uncomfortable. You know he’s already going to be shitting his pants over this.”

Clay scoffed, uncrossing his arms. “Actually, I was planning on telling him my feelings when we go.” He sighed, tapping his fingers on the table. “I’m just not sure how to do it.”

“Seriously, Clay, just tell him. He feels the same way. It’s very obvious. Almost painful to watch you both pine after each other.” 

“You both walk around, staring after each other like lost puppies. I can’t fucking wait for this.” Justin reached across the table, grabbing Clay’s arms dramatically. “Seriously, Jensen, please put us all out of our fucking misery.”

He shoved Justin off him, laughing. “I really hope you’re right.” He paused, reaching into his backpack to pull out his Harry Potter book. “Thank you for the book, by the way. I’m already halfway through. Tony and I have a deal that for every Harry Potter book I read, he has to watch a Star Wars movie with me. I plan to be finished with this by the weekend. I still can’t believe Tony hasn’t seen Star Wars. They’re classics. Well written and developed, not mention the iconic film score. I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t heard Darth Vader’s theme. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bum. Everyone knows it. It’s just such a good series-”

“Yeah, well, good luck, young padawan.” Alex teased, smirking. Justin laughed, kissing Alex’s forehead. Clay nodded his thanks, smiling softly. He was really going to need it.

~~

Turns out, warmer weather only took about a month to achieve. It was never terribly cold in California, but it could get chilly, especially at night. However, that early February they had weirdly warm weather, and Tony and Clay made plans to go camping that weekend. Tony was practically bouncing with excitement, talking about the campground they were going to and the trails near it. His excitement was contagious, and Clay couldn’t help but be excited too. Well excited and incredibly fucking nervous. He was still sticking to his plan of revealing his feelings over the trip, and he had run through the conversation a million times in his head, trying to predict and prepare for any outcome. He was terrified of rejection, but within the past month, his love for Tony was only growing stronger and stronger. He was acutely aware of everything Tony did and said. The other day Tony was tying his shoelaces and his leather jacket was shining just right in the light, and his insides felt like they were on fire, screaming over how beautiful Tony looked. He ended up accidentally blurting, “ohmygodpretty,” out loud. Thank God he mumbled it intelligibly, and Tony hadn’t heard him right. 

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could contain his feelings. He trusted Tony, and he hoped that even if he didn’t feel the same, they could still be friends. But God, he hoped he felt the same. All he wanted to do was kiss Tony’s full, soft looking lips and fall into his arms and cuddle him on emotionally exhausting days and say “I love you” out loud without worrying about the repercussions of it. His heart was so full of love, and he just couldn't ignore it anymore. He loved Tony. He loved Tony. Maybe a part of him always had. Looking back, he really was always drawn to Tony even if he hadn’t really thought about it or admitted it to himself. He just ignored it, didn’t really think about or question it, but like gravity, he needed Tony in his life. Without his existence, Clay didn’t think he couldn’t made it through the tapes or any of the shit he’d been through. And he certainly couldn’t imagine his life without him now. 

And maybe it was wishful thinking, but Alex and Justin had been pointing out what they called “sickening puppy eyes alert” which was when they pointed out things Tony did that they thought indicated he had a crush on Clay. Like the other day, he’d been stressed over a big test in his math class. Math was, contrary to the popular belief, a subject he sometimes struggled in. He was more of an English and history type of person. Math didn’t come as naturally to him, and he was having trouble grasping some of the concepts they’d learned about in their last unit. Especially since he couldn’t see how it would ever be useful to him in the future. He’d studied the night before, but he gave up after about twenty minutes, getting frustrated. The test was cummilating the last few units they’d gone over, and he was worth a good part of his grade, so needless to say, he was stressed out about it. The test was the period after lunch and so he had his notes out in front of him, pushing his food away while Tony kept pestering him to eat. They’d been eating lunch that day with Alex and Justin. Tony laid a lingering hand on his shoulder in reassurance, squeezing gently. He’d absentmindedly leaned into the touch, causing Justin and Alex to exchange a look. When Tony brought in his hand down and squeezed Clay’s knee before getting up to go to the bathroom, his insides truly melted. Justin and Alex didn’t stop making fun of his red cheeks the whole time Tony was away from the table. 

It wasn’t much, but it was the little things like this that gave Clay hope that maybe, just maybe Tony felt the same. It wasn’t much, but it was something. And Clay really couldn’t hold all this inside of him much longer, not from the person he trusted and leaned on most. So, this weekend he was determined to gather all the courage inside him and lay it all on the line. And then, maybe, Tony would say he loved Clay back. Hopefully.

Clay had never really gone camping before, so when they were setting up the tent, Tony had to repeat his directions several times. Setting their campsite took longer than expected because of his inexperience, but thankfully, Tony was being patient with him. He kept saying things like “You have got to appreciate the fresh air out here, Clay” and “Isn’t it nice to be away from everything? No technology, no stress. Just you and the trees.” He retorted with smartass answers when Tony got all nature-loving, but he didn’t really mean any of it. Seeing Tony at peace and in his element like this was like listening to a siren sing. He never wanted the song to end, and he’d do anything just keep listening to it. Even spend a night out in the woods, susceptible to annoying insects and a dirty public bathroom that he had to walk to. It definitely wasn’t Clay’s idea of a fun weekend getaway, but seeing Tony happy like this made it all worth it. 

After they finished setting up their campsite, Tony suggested they make a campfire and start making dinner before it got too dark. Dinner consisted of hot dogs roasted over a fire, potato chips, and the baby carrots his mom insisted he bring. By the time they finished eating, the sun was already setting, and they decided to hit the trails tomorrow. He was more than fine with that. Lounging on campfire chairs and watching the flames flicker across Tony’s face was memorizing. The crickets were chirping, the breeze was whistling through the tall trees, and if you looked up, you could see stars. Lots of them. He wasn’t used to that. There was too much light pollution where he lived to really see them, but he had to admit they were beautiful. He told Tony as much.

“See, isn’t nice to be out here and reconnect with your roots?” Tony said smugly, glad Clay finally admitted it.

He rolled his eyes, shuddering as a particularly strong breeze chilled his neck. “Yeah, but it’s still fucking cold out.” He pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down further, trying to warm up. 

“Well that’s why we have the fire,” Tony pointed out.

“Yeah, okay, so my legs are warm, but the rest of me is still fucking freezing.” He cupped his hands and blew on them. Maybe they should’ve waited until late April for this camping trip. He shivered, leaning farther forward, in an attempt to get closer to the fire. He scooted his chair up as close as he could without it being too dangerous.

“Don’t burn yourself,” Tony warned, his tone half joking and half serious.

He crossed his arms, rubbing them with his fingertips. “I wouldn’t be this close to the fire if it wasn’t-” A strong breeze blew midway through his sentence, and he shuddered. It was fucking freezing at night. It wasn’t so bad during the day, but now that it was nighttime, he felt like his fingers might fall off. “God it’s fucking freezing,” he muttered, blowing on his numb fingers again. 

Tony quirked an eyebrow, looking away. He always did that when he had something he wanted to say, but he was nervous to. Clay started to pick up on his mannerisms more and more; they were adorable and fascinating. Every time he’d learn something about Tony it felt like a gift and another part of the gorgeous puzzle that was Tony. He’d never get tired of trying to solve it. 

“Come here,” Tony murmured, looking to the left of Clay, beckoning him over. 

His heart clutched at his throat. Was Tony asking him to sit on his lap? There was no way they’d comfortably fit on his chair otherwise. His pulse throbbed in his ears. “Wh-what?”

Tony swallowed. Another nervous habit. “I said, ‘come here.’”

He blinked, completely dumbfounded. “Like?” He gestured with his hands nonsensically. Of all the ways he’d imagined this weekend going, this was not one of them. 

Tony crossed his arms. “Look, man, you’re fucking freezing. If you want to warm up, well, body heat is a way to do that.” He sounded defensive. Probably nervous. He went still. Tony Padilla was nervous to cuddle him because he was afraid Clay wouldn’t want to. That he would reject him. It was the same thing he’d been stressing over for over a month now. 

He pushed his chair back and practically leapt to his feet. Tony was nervous. He wanted Clay to sit in his lap. He was scared he’d be rejected. Fuck. His nerves were on fire, and his mind was reeling with the possibilities. Did this mean Tony felt the same? If there ever was going to be a sign, this was probably it. 

He walked around the fire with shaking hands, trembling from the cold and from his nerves. Tony’s face was flickering with the light of the fire, shadows cast over his face. His shoulders were hunched, and his eyes were nervous, looking into Clay’s for some sort of indication of how he felt. 

Clay looked down at Tony’s hands. The same hands that fixed cars and squeezed Clay’s shoulder in comfort. The same hands that drove him through nights where he needed nothing more than to get away, away, away. He swallowed, placing his own cold hands over Tony’s. Tony winced, probably from how freezing his hands were. He opened his mouth, most likely to comment something sarcastic about Clay’s hands, but Clay cut him off, rushing through his words in a single, shallow breath, “TonyIhavetotellyousomething.”

His eyes looked into Tony’s, who met his gaze, still searching for something within Clay’s eyes. “Okay.” He swallowed thickly, his eyes flickering down to look at Clay’s chapped lips. The fire was warming the back of Clay’s legs, and Tony’s hand trembled slightly under Clay’s.

It was all it took for Clay’s resolve to crack. His hands lifted from Tony’s and moved to caress his soft cheeks, kissing Tony soft and slow. Tony went completely still under his touch, not responding to the kiss. His heart thundered in nerves as he pulled away, fearing the worst. Fuck. He’d been rejected. Tony didn’t want him. It was all a big mistake, a big misunderstanding. Now everything was ruined. He dropped his shaking hands, opening his mouth to stammer out an apology when he felt Tony’s hands pull him back down, kissing back with the intensity of pent up passion. Clay melted into the kiss. He couldn’t believe this was happening, after so long. His fingers slid into Tony’s hair as Tony pulled him down onto his lap. Tony bit his bottom lip, and Clay parted his lips slowly, deepening the kiss. He ran his fingers down Tony’s chest slowly. His mind was spinning. He couldn’t think past anything but this kiss, the way Tony held him tightly. His skin felt awakened, as though a part of him had been sleeping for a long time. He was hyperaware of his body; he’d never felt so much at once. He’d never felt so complete. Tony pulled away softly as they caught their breath. Their eyes were connected, their gaze never parting. Tony’s eyes were sparkling with fire and emotion as he ran his fingers through Clay’s hair. Clay shuddered, leaning into the touch. Tony bit his lip, swallowing thickly. When he spoke, his voice sounded rough and thick, like he was holding back tears, “You have...you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Tony’s eyes were shining, and he blinked rapidly, looking away in embarrassment.

Clay’s hands held Tony’s cheeks and kissed his forehead. His heart was melting. Tony wasn’t an emotional person, and he didn’t cry or tear up that often. This was a big deal. Tony was being vulnerable, and Clay wanted him to know he could trust him. His thumbs traced tiny circles on his cheeks. “Hey, it’s okay.” 

Tony sniffled, wiping his nose, nodding. “Yeah,” he agreed. He smiled softly, looking back up into Clay’s eyes. “Thank you.”

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, Tony. You have no idea,” he murmured, afraid to speak above a whisper, afraid to break the moment. He chuckled. “I couldn’t sleep for weeks.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Of course you couldn’t.” 

“Oh like you aren’t shitting your pants right now.” He shoved Tony’s arm lightly to cover up the blush on his cheeks.

Tony laughed. “No, I am,” he admitted. There were several moments in which neither of them moved at all. They just stared at each other’s faces, afraid to look away. Clay was terrified that if he dared move, the moment would end. Everything felt fragile and beautiful and content. He decided that, if he were to stay settled in Tony’s lap, gazing up at his sparkling eyes, flushed cheeks, and swollen lips for the rest of his life, that would be okay. He could die right in that moment and he’d feel nothing but happiness and peace, with the crickets’ symphony crescendoing and the fire crackling and the flames’ shadows dancing around Tony’s face. 

Later that night, long after their first (but not only) kiss and the fire was out, they crawled into their tent, leaving their sleeping bags unzipped so they could cuddle. Clay tucked his head gently on Tony’s chest, who wrapped an arm around him. The night was cold, but their bodies were warm. Clay found he didn’t even really notice the chilly air, not when he could feel the warmth of Tony’s chest pressed against his skin and the rise and fall of his breath. Everything was even better than he’d imagined over and over in his mind. His mind couldn’t invent Tony’s cute quirks like his soft snores or the way his fingers ran up down his back to soothe him to sleep. He’d never fallen asleep so quickly or peacefully. Maybe it was because he had nothing to worry about, not anymore.

~~

Two months, three Harry Potter books and two Star Wars movies later, Tony and Clay were gearing up for a movie night. Clay had recently finished The Prisoner of Azkaban, so they were planning to watch the movie adaption of the book and The Return of the Jedi afterwards. It was Tony’s turn to pick the snacks, and he was more of a salty person, while Clay preferred sweet stuff. Keeping this in mind, he bought kettle corn as well as his regular lightly buttered, lightly salted popcorn. Clay smiled, digging into the caramel corn bowl as he put the DVD in. Tony plopped onto Clay’s bed, leaning back on his pillows. Clay smiled at his boyfriend as he loaded up the movie, curling up beside him. Tony kissed his forehead lovingly, and Clay’s heart warmed at the display of affection. He’d never get tired of Tony’s soft reassurances and gestures. While they’d technically only been dating for about two months, it felt like much longer, and now, he couldn’t imagine his life any differently. It was weird to think that only five months ago he was losing sleep over his secret santa gift. It almost seemed silly and trivial now.

About thirty minutes into The Prisoner of Azkaban, Clay interrupted their otherwise peaceful watching of the film by pointing out a difference from the book in the film adaption. Tony preferred not to talk during movies, and Clay did his best, though sometimes he’d pause a movie (especially with Star Wars) and ramble off a list of facts about the film. Tony never seemed to mind all that much. He’d always call Clay a nerd and kiss him softly before restarting the movie. Clay’d always blush and tried to remember not to talk so much, but sometimes his burning theories and facts and ideas just couldn’t be left unsaid. (So sometimes after a movie, they’d end up talking about it for literally hours until they were both yawning excessively or Clay’s mom came in to tell them to go to sleep. Clay had to talk about all these things at some point.) 

“I wanna go to Hogsmeade,” Clay grumbled, pouting slightly. Ever since he’d started reading Harry Potter, he was filled with a desire to become absolutely immersed in the fictional world. All he wanted to do was to drink some butterbeer in Three Broomsticks and try all the candy out in Honeydukes with Tony, was that too much to ask? Plus, he wanted to wear the sorting hat on his head. He’d gotten Gryffindor as a result on Pottermore, and Tony had gotten Ravenclaw. And amazing as Pottermore was, it would be nothing like wearing the sorting hat really upon his head. Sometimes he’d daydream about what his life would be like at Hogwarts. If he and Tony would still be together. He liked to think they would be.

Tony hummed, kissing Clay’s forehead. “Me too, mi corazón,” he mumbled softly.

“Seems like a nice place for a date.” Clay grinned cheekily, watching Tony smile from the corner of his eye.

“It does. Well, you’d know I’d go with you anywhere.” The words hung in the air for a moment, their depth reaching down, down into Clay’s chest. Tony’s eyes were flickering across his face, holding something deep and strong within them. He reached his fingers up to trace along Tony’s strong jaw, thinking of all the nights he spent awake with only his sheets and the mantra in the back of his mind repeating, I love Tony I love Tony I love Tony. He leaned in, and Tony kissed him back. The kiss was soft, natural, slow. Clay shifted into Tony’s lap and when they broke apart, their eyes remained locked onto each other. His heart felt full, and everything in his life felt complete and happy and right, even if it was just for that moment. Seconds were passing by, but time felt still around them. Tony’s calloused hands slipped under Clay’s shift, resting at the small of his back. “Clay, I have to tell you something.”

His heart jumped in his chest. Fear and anxiety started to poke at him, but he tried to shake it away. He trusted Tony. Whatever he had to say, he wanted to hear it. “Okay,” he said in a tone that was just above a whisper.

Tony closed his eyes and swallowed. He could feel Tony’s nerves flowing out of him, and he kissed Tony’s cheek in reassurance. Tony’s eyes fluttered open at the touch, smiling in a soft, nervous way. “Okay,” he breathed. “Clay, I...I love you.”

He blinked. Everything felt frozen for a moment as he processed the words. Tony loved him. Tony loved him. Tony loved him back. Nothing could stop his hands as they gripped the sides of Tony’s face and his lips as they kissed Tony with an intensity he didn’t know he was capable of. All this time he’d loved Tony. Kissing him felt like coming home. Kissing him felt like an adventure of passion and love and danger. He couldn’t imagine ever not kissing Tony. All he wanted were these moments, always. He pulled away by only a few inches, keeping his hands on Tony’s cheeks. With all the fervor and passion inside him, he tried to convey just how much he loved Tony, but it seemed all he could say was, “I love you too. I think...I think I have for a long time. Maybe even forever.”

Tony chuckled softly. His eyes were so lit up Clay swore they could’ve been brighter than the sun in that very moment. “I don’t know about forever, Mr. Romantic. But I do remember you drunkenly declaring your love for me at that secret santa party.”

His face fell. “What? And you never told me, asshole?!”

Tony laughed. “The time was never right,” he shrugged. “But I’m telling you now.”

He crossed his arms. “You’re telling me now that I made a fool of myself.”

Tony shook his head. “It’s okay.” He traced Clay’s bottom lip. “I didn’t know if you meant it, but now I know you do.” 

He nodded, parting his lips at Tony’s touch. “I do.”

Tony nodded, “Me too.” They stayed like that for a moment, the confession of their mutual love pulsing through the air. The movie was completely forgotten about until the loud sound of the Whomping Willow startled them. Clay grinned sheepishly. “I guess we’ll have to rewind the movie.”

“Fuck the movie, right now I just want to kiss you.” Tony’s fingers moved up and down Clay’s back in a somewhat uncharacteristic possessiveness. He shivered, melting into Tony’s hands. “Me too,” he murmured. 

They kissed and kissed and kissed. And it was the best gift anyone could ever ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I haven't written fanfic in a really long time, and I originally intended this to be a lot shorter than it was. Hopefully it turned out okay?  
> Some disclaimers: I don't actually know California's climate too well. I live on the East Coast, so I had to research this stuff and fit it within the story respectively.  
> I would like to make it known that I don't condone excessive drinking, especially to the amount Clay was within this story.  
> I had to research more things that I'm forgetting right now, but if I misrepresented anything in this story please let me know.  
> Feedback is always very much appreciated!  
> PS I also posted this on my tumblr @varsityleatherbluejacket


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